THE NO VICES
- Who wants more chicken? - I do.
- I'll take the wing, Sister Angelica. - Thank you.
Do you want the other wing?
Where's Sister Agnes?
Sister Agnes!
- Pardon me. - Watch where you're going.
Sister Agnes!
Hello there doggy.
Oh my, you're pretty.
Out for a walk?
You lost? Poor fellow.
Nice dog.
No, don't follow me.
Excuse me.
Go home.
Go on.
Go away.
Go on.
You can't follow me.
Stop it! Go away.
What have I done to deserve him?
Fill her up.
Wrong pump, over here.
One franc forty.
Excuse me.
Pardon me, sir.
Would you please lend me one franc forty?
Bless you.
For you.
Your change.
One, two
three, four
five, six
seven, eight.
May the Blessed Father grant you peace and health.
You want a lift to Paradise?
Where to, angel?
Paris.
Me too.
Stash that heap and fly free, sugar.
We'll be in Paris by 2 o'clock.
Mother Superior told us of you.
Me?
You've got a lot to learn about piety.
She ran right into him.
Didn't you see me coming?
You alright?
Here's your purse.
Let me do that.
Let me do it.
She's walking away.
Wait a second. Come with me and talk to the cops.
If you ask me they could use more respect.
Hey Marty, an accident.
Wait 'till this hand is over.
Please be seated.
Come on, I haven't got all day.
Bad deal, huh?
Lost your beat, huh?
I'll get it back, just wait.
Got a weed?
A cig baby, you know?
I don't smoke.
Pardon me.
Me?
Got a match?
Take the pack.
For a non-smoker you're well equipped.
I just found the pack.
My luck.
When do you think we'll get out?
Hey.
Mona Lisa.
- Who? - Mona Lisa is my name, professionally.
Has to do with the smile.
In a picture done by someone.
Calm down.
Time to go home.
Miss Bicycle, come sign this.
Hey hold it.
Hey non-smoker, got a problem?
Where you going?
Come with me.
Hurry up.
I can drop you if it's not far.
I'll pay the fare.
Get in.
Thanks.
One good turn deserves another.
I really wanted that cigarette.
All those cops.
When I ask those guys...
how much a pack of cigarettes costs...
Oh about 4 minutes'.
So I told them, my time's valuable.
They gave me a hell of a slap.
The cops think a pro should do it for free.
They don't want us to earn a living.
I've never done anything to them.
Or anybody else for that matter.
Just the opposite.
Everytime a cop passes me, I get busted.
Like today, I wasn't even in uniform.
I was going to my lawyer and whammo.
The profession's going to the dogs.
Go on in.
Stoopy.
Bedroom.
He's right there.
I gotta hurry.
There's stuff to eat in the fridge.
Hurry up, sweetie.
I'll only be a minute.
Pleased to meet you.
Hurry up, sweetie.
- Hurry up, sweetie. - Stoopy.
Hey.
Nice pad.
Disgraceful.
Can't you find another place to sleep?
Excuse me.
This is a respectable house.
Bet I set a record.
I want you to meet my sister.
Hi there.
How nice.
Go back to bed.
Feel free.
Not much change in the weather, huh?
Nope.
May's the same as April.
That's right.
September's same as August.
Had to turn the heat back on.
Can you believe it?
Yes.
Summer's same as winter now.
And vice versa.
It's a shame. Hurry up, sweetie.
The pleasure's been mine, Miss.
Sleep well and don't worry.
I'll be right back.
But where?
Baby, it's rush hour. Time's a wastin'.
Another few tricks and I'm done.
After all, we're not work horses.
But...
Aren't you a prize.
Sit down, sweetie.
Broke it.
The man who invents unbreakable Melba toast
gets me for free.
Put two toasts together.
Butter it well.
That's smart. Who taught you that?
The Mother Superior.
What do you mean "Superior"?
My mother, who else.
Oh your mom.
Yes.
She's always been superior.
She's very intelligent.
Teaches school.
I bet she wants you to teach also.
Yes, and how.
Are you from the country?
Yes. It shows that much?
Except you're pretty pale and skinny
to be from the sticks.
It's just that...
I wasn't outside much.
Kind of cloistered.
Cloistered?
Sort of imprisoned.
You mean a home for young girls?
It's difficult to explain.
A collective community.
Sort of a Russian camp.
Exactly. A coeur cos.
- You communist? - No.
That is a bit.
And you?
I'm just a hooker.
I'm a hooker and admit to it.
What's wrong with that?
Let's say I was a nun...
I wouldn't try and hide it.
I'm the same way.
Tell me about that, uh, coeur cos.
It's a small coeur cos.
Called Saint Mary Magdalene.
Tell me something.
You think I'm that big a sucker?
Sorry ladies... position's filled.
Hurry up, has to be a quickie. I'm double parked.
Just a minute. I'm taking a bath.
I gotta go bad.
Will a bucket do?
What happened to my cheddar?
I had a piece this morning.
That was my cheddar.
- It's you. - Who'd you expect?
If you're bored, go exercise.
Do the dishes.
And I have to shell out 5 francs a day
to feed that mutt of yours.
I'll pay you when I get work.
Don't be silly. You've got oodles of time.
Mind if I stay a few more days?
Somebody's sure to give me a chance.
You said that last week.
I'm sure I can get a job except for one thing I lack...
What?
Qualification.
Didn't that convent teach you anything?
Except to butter toast?
I studied to be a nurse.
That's a wonderful job.
- Only. - What?
Something happened. I didn't graduate.
You only learned how to pray?
I learned to drive and made deliveries.
Be a cab driver.
- Can women do that? - Why not?
All those streets.
Not that many, I'll buy you a map.
- showing only one way streets. - That's fine but...
You can vacation on the tips alone!
- But. - But what?
I never got my driver's license.
What are you doing there?
Get out of here.
Wait a second, not you, sweetie.
It's nothing. Get out.
It's my sister that's all.
Stoopy.
Sir, I'm so sorry.
He's just a puppy.
A puppy, huh?
Stoopy just made a mistake.
Wait a minute.
Come on back, sweetie.
I didn't come here to get attacked.
I wasn't afraid, you know.
I'm allergic to dogs.
I'll bet you're even prettier with a rash.
Relax.
For heaven's sake... behave yourself.
Didn't you feed that mutt?
He eats better than I do.
What's the matter.
I'm listening.
- Your shirt's scratchy. - Sorry.
Quiet.
Think about other things.
How can I with that damned dog howling?
I can't wait around for you. Who do you think you are?
Ok buster, on your way. Get out.
I don't pay for anything I don't get.
Hey... my dress!
That does it!
Out! Before you wreck the place!
You've done spent my money,
- worn out my things, driven away the clientele. - I just...
I'm sick and tired of it.
Get out of my sight.
You've caused enough trouble.
I'm very grateful.
Come on, Stoopy.
Hey hold it, sweetie...
my money.
You can't skip out on me.
That wouldn't be right.
Ok, come on.
Soon as I'm dressed.
Remember, to be a hooker...
you gotta look like one.
Otherwise a guy can't tell you from his wife.
Is this okay?
Please don't make fun of me.
I'm not. Perfect. All set? Now watch.
Ready? Follow me. One, two, three, four...
One, two, three, four... that's it.
Move your hips.
A touch of spice.
Oh, but you told me...
Don't exaggerate the swing so much.
Come on, after me.
Ever so discreet. I pass by on the street.
Just out walking. That's a technique.
One, two, three...
Let the guy think he's picking you up.
Be perfectly natural.
No useless words.
Smile.
Good evening.
Be more pleasant.
Good evening.
Perfect.
Then take him by the arm
and quietly
lead him away.
Away where?
You find some hotel.
What happens then?
What do you mean?
What happens?
Just leave that up to nature.
Once more.
Stand over there
and pretend I'm the customer.
Good evening.
He's already passed.
You're way too late.
Catch his eye.
Smile.
Good evening. And grab him.
What if he won't go with me.
Trust me, he'll go! Come on.
Catch his eye.
Smile.
No, no. It's hopeless.
It's not hopeless. You're doing fine.
Paris wasn't built in a day.
You can't learn overnight.
You think it was easy for me?
I had to work to get where I am.
Yes, but I'll never make it.
Sure you'll make it.
Lisa.
I wanted to tell you. You're so kind.
Without you I'm nothing.
- Just make sure you do as I said. - I will.
- You're not such a bad student. - Really?
Listen sweetie, one more thing.
A small token of appreciation is offered
in advance, don't forget.
In advance.
Discreetly though. Remember Agnes.
Remember... no freebies!
You'll ruin our profession.
That's for sure.
What makes a hooker a hooker
is she's paid for it.
- She's paid for it. - Right.
And competition's growing
since so many broads give it away.
It's a crime! Enough to make you mad!
They're bugging up our trade.
Have you ever thought.
Can you imagine the money those broads cost us?
That's true.
And another thing...
If the guy asks for a specialty
you up the fee or you refuse him.
I up the fee or refuse him.
Lisa.
The first time should I...
should I tell him or no?
Tell him what?
That it's my first time.
Don't bother.
Besides, he wouldn't believe you.
He wouldn't?
No. Goodnight.
Goodnight.
The specialty, what's that?
Hey, where you goin'?
Two cups.
Waiter.
Smile.
Drop your purse.
I'll break my compact!
You'll make enough to buy ten others.
And show off your legs.
Now go.
- What are you doing? - You told me to leave.
Let him finish first.
Don't you think he's weird?
What's he waiting for?
Don't worry about it.
You stay here.
What did I do?
200. Payable in advance.
I don't wanna buy it, I wanna rent it.
That's my price.
But that's twice what the others get.
If you don't like it, take her.
She's your speed.
Yes, but I prefer you.
- Why? - Because...
You crazy?
Look. A gorgeous creature.
Half my price and she's yours. Don't pass her up.
She's more than gorgeous. She's stacked.
Look at those legs.
So why are you double the price?
It's normal, sweetie.
She's a beginner.
Well?
I'd rather pay your price.
Ok. If that's how you want it. Lets go.
Do you have a light?
Good evening.
Out for a walk?
100 francs, sweetie.
What?
But the specialties are much more.
I don't believe it.
What a pretty dog.
- Does it bite? - 100 francs.
Oh no he doesn't. He's very gentle.
His name's Stoopy.
Best dog in the whole world.
How 'bout some treats?
Stoopy's a fine fellow.
- You give him cod liver oil? - No.
But you keep his fur nice.
Well behaved, aren't you?
Have some treats.
It's ok, Stoopy.
You're a very lucky dog, Stoopy.
To have such a kind mistress.
And so young and lovely.
Stoopy, thank the nice man.
What's your mistress' name?
Agnes.
How charming, Agnes.
How much?
What do you mean? Stoopy's not for sale.
Don't start with me, baby. How much?
But you?
What do you take me for?
I spotted you right off, honey. How much?
Leave me alone!
Don't be like that. Want me to call the police?
How would you like that?
- Stoopy! - Come back here.
Cheap little tramp.
Stoopy!
Know what, Stoopy?
I'm nothing but a failure.
I'm not even good at...
anything.
Excuse me.
You one of them hookers?
Yes. I'm a hooker.
How'd you ever guess?
Wait here. Be good, Stoopy.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometimes too hot
the eye of heaven shines,
- And often is his gold complexion dimmed; - Really?
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance, or nature's changing course,
Untrimmed;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
Nor shall death brag thou wondrest in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou growest;
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this,
And this give life to thee.
What are you doing that for?
Please leave me alone!
Hurry up, sweetie.
Stoopy, why are you all alone?
What's the matter?
Something's wrong.
I'll be right back.
Relax!
No!
Now I got you!
Lisa, I'm sorry.
Get your clothes on.
What're you doing?
I paid for it.
She's not a hooker, you're mistaken.
I don't care, if she doesn't.
Don't be insulting.
- Come on, Agnes. - My purse.
Shut up, will ya?
Rough winds to shake the darling buds...
Rough winds do shake the buds of May.
Nobody's perfect.
Nobody knows the trouble I've seen...
Stoopy get out of the bathtub.
Here you are.
A nurse's certificate and a driver's license.
Goodness, these really look real.
They'd better for what they cost.
Excuse me.
I need more practice before driving in Paris.
Is that right?
You must remember two principles:
the MDs take care of the patient,
we take care of the ambulance.
MD's take care of the patient,
we take care of the ambulance.
Ok, move out.
Hit the siren.
It'll work out in a day or two.
I'll get used to it.
Maybe.
You...
You might make it.
Things will pick up.
Oh look.
Sweetie, it's beautiful.
Let me get in.
Pretty swank.
Terrific.
Look at all the gadgets on the dashboard.
It's a real palace.
Take good care of it, sweetie.
Just a minute, girls. Listen...
Sounds like Mozart.
This pillow is a dream.
So peaceful.
Let me try it.
Look, just press the button
and this screen goes up and down.
Don't do that.
Hey Agnes, what shift are you on?
Day shift, 8 to 8. But why?
That leaves the whole night.
The other 8 to 8 for me.
You gotta get me a uniform.
With a zipper here.
Slow down and turn right.
Lisa.
I think there's one over there.
Where?
Hey, need a little operation, big boy?
Me? Look at me. I'm in great shape.
You don't say.
But to be sure.
How bout a small check inside?
Costs less than a housecall.
The small token of appreciation.
Thank you.
How bout a little more for the gas?
You're going too far.
But it doesn't hurt to try
does it, sweetie?
Hit the siren.
Finally! What happened?
They made me work overtime again.
4 and 12, 16. And 8, 24...
Things are looking up.
We need enough for gas and rent next month
and we just might make it.
- Ok, up and at 'em. - I can't.
What's the matter?
The hospital all day then driving all night.
I just can't keep it up.
We both better rest.
I'll fix some coffee.
All the same, we got a good thing going.
Be kinda stupid to give it up.
That's for sure, stupid's the word.
Ok, let's go.
Sure is a beauty.
It's our top seller but very expensive.
So much the better.
It'll make a good impression. How much?
$32,850.00
Of course that's without tax.
Or accessories.
That's a lot.
The accessories.
What are accessories?
I don't know.
Nice.
What do you think?
I'm sure it's worth the sacrifice.
The price is steep but we can hack it.
License plates included?
Plates included.
Great, they cost a lot.
We'll take it.
From the standpoint of elegance its just fine.
- We'll hang some nice curtains. - Perfect.
We'll buy a radio so there's music.
Little etchings all over.
Maybe a leopard skin cover on the bed.
Pink roses every place you look.
Plenty of nude pictures.
Kill the radio.
You'll wear out the battery.
Here's the whiskey.
- How much do we charge? - We don't.
We'd be hauled in for that, sweetie.
You need a license to sell liquor.
We serve it free?
We make it a gift.
Can we afford it?
It's our small token of appreciation.
The Bible says "cast your bread upon the water".
Shall we give it a try?
Right, Chief.
Damn rain.
It's getting low.
We'll have to fill up soon.
Buy gas before I get a customer?
There'll be some nut out in this rain!
Shouldn't we go back home?
Never!
Without working, not me.
That could become a bad habit.
I know. Stop here.
Hurry up, sweetie.
He's the guy from the hospital!
So this is what you're up to.
That explains the mileage on my ambulance.
Step on it.
Move it.
I'm doing the best I can.
Officer!
I know her.
She tried to pick me up.
Hit the siren.
Turn right!
We gave them the slip.
We sure did.
Dammit they found us.
Who?
The cops, sweetie.
Keep your cool.
- Goodday, officer. - Going to the hospital?
Where else?
We've got a mother in labor,
you can take her with you.
A baby's all we need.
- Get her to the hospital fast! - Sure.
- This is more up your alley. - Right.
Come on, hurry up.
This is no place for a man.
I don't know what I'm saying anymore.
If the moment comes, what do I do?
Just stay calm and pray.
Sure, but accelerate!
And if you'd break a little it'd be appreciated.
You having it? Agnes! She's having it.
Get some alcohol.
And lots of boiling water.
No pot to boil it in.
Just a minute, sweetie.
You're pulling my dress apart.
Agnes, you gotta help!
She's having it.
Ok?
It's fine, everything will be fine.
I'm a nervous wreck.
How's it going back there, Lisa?
Just keep your eyes on the road.
I'm taking good care of my baby.
That's my baby.
A real sweetie, huh.
Let me see.
Show Agnes how cute you are.
Oh a little darling.
Watch her head.
Oh, she's beautiful.
Look she's trying to smile.
Isn't she lovely.
Lisa.
Stoopy, come here.
Here.
What's the matter?
I'm hungry.
It's the fresh air.
Sister Angela always said that if you...
Don't start preaching.
It's not Friday all the time is it?
Stoopy's sure been feeling frisky.
Good for him.
He doesn't have to pay for his food
or that phony ambulance we bought
why should he worry?
We could always sell it.
Don't forget about the fuzz.
They've got us on their list.
- We could but... - but what?
Since it might not be best to go back...
What if we went to a small village?
For a year or two. You could set yourself up...
A brilliant idea.
You'll find me a new beat, huh?
I just thought...
You just though that while I did all the work, you'd count the money
play cards all day and beat me up when you think I've been "bad"!
Where are you going?
Agnes.
Sweetie, what's the matter?
All our bad luck is my fault.
Oh it isn't.
I've been a hindrance that's all
a burden.
But that's not true.
Look's like its been through the war.
I'm not a soldier.
Here.
What's that for?
I'm sick of that garbage.
It's a pheasant I want.
Stuffed with chestnut dressing.
A big one, roasted to perfection.
Just the right spices.
You stuff the breast
and mince chestnuts
and bake.
Add tender young mushrooms
glazed with almond butter and white wine.
And bake until golden brown.
Serve with rice pilaf
and asparagus tips in Hollandaise sauce.
And for dessert,
a great big creamy eclaire.
Would you settle for just the mushrooms tonight?
Come on Stoopy, get in.
Oh, Agnes.
You're always praying...
Come on, lets go.
I was just asking forgiveness in advance.
You sure mass is longer than an hour?
The length always depends on the priest's age.
Get him.
Grab him.
Run!
I got one.
There.
- Take it. - Why me?
You'd be much better at it.
I'm too nervous.
Maybe I'd... mess it up.
I prefer you do it.
Put the head on the chopping block
close your eyes
and give him a good smack.
Bend down.
Get a good grip.
Stay there.
Here he is.
We can't kill him.
- He's special, he's ours. - You're joking.
No don't.
- That's my pheasant. - It's a chicken.
- Same thing. - Couldn't we flip a coin?
We haven't got one.
I got a medal.
Chop.
Carefully.
- Poor thing. - Go on.
You can do it.
I got an idea.
Yeah?
We're going to die.
A bit much but it is a solution.
We're going to disappear.
We've never been seen or even known.
No trace of us.
We'll be dead with no more worries.
Further.
A little more.
Stop.
This way.
Slowly.
More to the right.
Stop.
Are you ready?
We'll have to forget about it.
Which way?
There's a path.
Back there somewhere.
We just have to find it.
- Is it a long way? - No.
Sure?
Yes.
I hope.
The beach is just over that ridge.
Yeah, like the path.
Ahh... the salt air.
Great.
Ok Columbus, which way?
Down again.
Where? There?
Yes. We all make mistakes.
Let's go.
Sweetie's in command.
I'll let you be my boss.
And even face up to it with a grin.
Lisa.
Yeah?
Where do you think it is?
What?
- The beach. - Oh, the beach.
Which way do you think?
Over there.
Then it's there.
The Remission of my sins
and life everlasting or something like that.
One, two, three and
now make your act of contrition.
One, two...
Oh my God, I'm sorry
for having offended thee.
I even detest all my sins.
Now lie on your stomach.
The Apostles creed again
and this time get it right.
I believe in God
the Creator of Heaven and earth.
Jesus Christ his son
was conceived and born to the virgin
Mary
And in the Holy Catholic Church
and all the Saints...
Oh damn! Damn!
Lisa.
I believe in God, the father Almighty.
Creator of Heaven and Earth
and Jesus Christ his only son.
Not bad that time, huh?
One, two...
Oh, Sister.
Lisa, don't be afraid.
God has returned her.
Pray dear sisters.
Hurry up, sweetie.